or did I mean to spell it [w-e-e-k]?

I cannot be completely sure. I only slept for half-an-hour.
I was lucky to see a lot of the goals I had for the day come to fruition.
Now I am sitting in front of my desk, relaxed and a little less stressed.
All thanks to the nudges I inflicted regularly throughout the day to assure that a good majority was completed so that tomorrow, Sunday, would not receive more of the uncompleted tasks. I dont expect to complete every task I assign to myself, rather, i just want to make sure all the important is not set aside.

I want a job. I want to get my piercings. I want to start waking in the mornings and go for a walk around the park. I want to increase the amount of exercise in my life. I want to grow smarter, healthier, and more proficient at life again. i used to have routines, schedules, habits; I used to have such an organized day plan. Now I am trying to figure out how to get back to being that person whos’ parents can feel a little proud of, companion will feel boosted in boasting of me, a best friend that will no longer worry of me, .. i can go on.

bed time prep has begun. goodnight.

Its my first day of trying to become a non-smoker, an anti-cigarette belle. My gums are itchy and swollen, I keep biting and chewing on the inside of my cheeks making my mouth appear swollen; my teeth are no better: food gets stuck in awkward holes and I fear its already too late for one of my teeth, the line where tooth and gum meet is yellowish and signaling a new cavity forming throughout a majority of the teeth. I have been thinking of purchasing a mouth guard to sleep with, if I have bruxism or too much acid is still rising from my stomach, it should help quite a lot. I have a patch affixed to my chest where I first cleaned with hand sanitizer to assure that the skin was clean and sterilized, securing it further by placing two colorful bandages in an ‘X’ shape over it. I am nervous, a little sad, and rather irritable. I am trying to keep these withdrawal symptoms under my careful watch so as not to have them sabotage my effort of quitting once more. I am fighting the urge to want to smoke with others, and the unbearable craving that sparks when the aroma of a sparked cigarette graces my presence. I am keeping busy with typing, reading, bathing, fixing my hair and nails, researching subjects I have mild curiosity in, highlighting notes, arranging notebooks, and even ‘window’ shopping on the world wide web. It has proven rather difficult to break this addiction, not only because of the social and substance causes, but because I felt emotionally sedated by cigarettes: they calmed me when I felt too angry, sad, frustrated, or aggravated. I took my aggressions and smoked them into nothingness. Music is another factor that is helping make this a lot simpler: relaxing music, with or without vox or traditional instruments, is proving to be a very important aspect of keeping myself on track and far from the cancer sticks that still haunt my brain.

I want very much to succeed with this final try. I am placing all my commitment, effort, and willpower on quitting cigarettes and beginning a more active lifestyle. Focus is of essence in completing both. So here I go.

you treat me like a second class citizen.
you should check yourself, because it seems you lose your class calling me a liar and assuming what it is I will say or do.

I thought this recurring dream I had a few months back..
about this girl: pale glowy skin, crystal eyes, blood red lips, flowing platinum hair..
well I thought she and I had resolved our issues.
I thought she was gone, and whatever feelings that she kept bringing up in me were gone; I LOVE SOMEONE WHO EXISTS ONLY IN MY HEAD. WHAT THE FUCK.

I can still see her in my minds eye.
I can still feel the frantic emotions of wanting her close.
I can still feel the anger when she was taken from me, the craving to touch her.. and feel her hand caressing my face… her arms wrapping around me.. both of trying so hard to stay in that happy place.. her eyes welling up with tears as the dream world shifts once more and we are torn asunder.

I dont know who she is. I dont know why we feel the way we do.
I dont know why, when I am conscious, I cry.. maybe because I have no answers, maybe because I dont have her, maybe because I know that if I enter the dream state once more, she’ll be there and we’ll be in trouble.

they dont want us together; their aggression to keep us seperated drives the madness of the never ending cycles in my dreams.. i wont give her up, and she wont stop looking for me.

the headaches. the migraines. they’re back. I’m eating OTC pain killers and nothing works. Have I gone mad? I dont know. Most would probably say I have. I dont believe it. Maybe there is something wrong, maybe as the dream translators say… It is an issue within myself.

one thing stood out this time. An angry man made me leave. An angry man told me to cease contact with her. surrounding the images of this man in my head, surrounding the memories of him.. there were images of jesus; images of lucifer; images of pendants on chains depicting an indian with one feather in his hair and an angry look on his face; crystals, diamonds, dark colored beads, and chains of all sorts.. the setting was a dirty old store, a place I would keep driving by hoping she would be standing out front.. hoping I could take her away.

I only type this so it is not in me. so it cannot hurt me. I know not what it means, I will not ponder upon the meaning. if she finds me again, I will follow as I always do. I will chase my white rabbit until I catch her.

My Mission Statement

“Who am I?  I am Cira Elizabeth Gordo; college student, knowledge addict, art enthusiast, eldest daughter, a twin sister, an older sister, a hard worker, a passionate lover, and at times, a complete mess. I suppose these would be external classifications looked at through the eyes of others. To me, I am just another human being, another little girl on the path of life following her heart into the unknown. I have nothing to fear, for life has offered me wonderful opportunities, and blessed me with a formidable mind and soul. I will always be honest, I will always face challenges courageously, and I will enjoy every breath I take.

I have been blessed with the most loving and understanding of families. I admire each individual for different personality traits, whether it is their kindness, perseverance, or blunt honesty. The group of people I call friends is much larger, but just as loving. I have crossed these kindred souls along my journey and I cannot forget a single soul. I have loved and lost, I have made mistakes, and I have learned from my experiences. Everyone I know, or have ever known, contributed to who I am today. Even if it had been the smallest of small talk that made me think about or question my views, my values, or how much knowledge I had on a subject, you influenced me and in a positive way. You aided my intelligence, fueled my curiosity, and gave me the drive to strive for more!

Who do I want to be? Well that’s a silly question. No matter what career I choose, no matter what role I play in the lives of others, at the core of it all, I will still be me, myself, and I. I do have a career goal, but it does not define me. I am making my plans as I go along. You might say, I’m living in the ‘now’ with thoughts of tomorrow. I am working towards a career in the field of photography. I want to capture images that will make you think, make your heart race, or even inspire travel to locations all over the globe. The images would behold beautiful landscapes, everyday life in all walks of life, children at play, a lion laying back keeping watch over his pride. But I don’t want to stop there! I want to have my own photo studio! Although some would find it mundane to take pictures of ordinary beings celebrating an ordinary accomplishment or celebration of their lives, I find it to be the ones who have the most interesting stories to tell. A young couple finally taking the big step starting their lives together in marriage, a young man or woman coming of age, a baby taking pictures with the two people who love and value him or her above all else, an old couple celebrating a happy, fulfilling life together. I can go on, because each story would be like a fingerprint: unique to the individual or individuals it belongs to.

How do I plan to get there? I have already taken the first step. I am studying at Miami Dade College, with the intention to acquire all the knowledge I can get from instructors with experience in this field. Of course, I must responsibly put forth my own effort and practice outside of class, research for knowledge that may not be known to them or the textbooks, go out of my way to get that nearly perfect shot from high in a tree in some awkward position. To get the reward of knowing I acquired the picture I saw in my minds eye, I will work as hard as I have to. I know I will get there, and one day my photos will inspire another youth to chase their dreams capturing beauty with a lens.”

My Positive-Negative Thinking assignment for Psych Class.

“After scoring myself on the positive thinking questionnaire, I decided that my discussion post would be titled ‘negative thinking’ as opposed to the ‘positive thinking’ everyone else has used. I scored a total of eight. I have a plethora of self-defeating thoughts. I’m constantly thinking the worst about myself and the intentions of others. Actually, this past week has been rather hard. I have not wanted to get out of bed.  When I did, I paid no attention to my responsibilities, and just thought of all the problems and how I ‘should’ have stayed in bed.

Since I started this course, I have slowly started trying to reverse the damage I have done to myself over these mere twenty-four years of life. It’s hard admitting you’re having an irrational thought; it’s hard to accept you’re overreacting to a situation; it’s hard to take a lifelong, self-proclaimed pessimist and make them into an optimist.

I know where it is I am going to start my reframing in this little brain of mine: self-love! A lot of the negative thoughts I have surround how others see me and if I have pleased them. I also tend to make statements to myself about myself about my worthlessness, how much of a failure I am to myself and my loved ones, or how no one wants me around unless I am of use to them. I know I am capable of a state of happy, I just never had anyone show me the tools needed to achieve this.

My thoughts have changed dramatically since I started the reading for this class. I have not allowed others to cause feelings of inferiority, guilt, or obligation. I have more confidence and have felt a surge of positive thoughts about myself, and the choices I make. I’m starting to appreciate the idea that I deserve good things, and to be treated as lovingly as I treat others.

Practice makes perfect, and I think my smile needs a lot of practice.”

not that you’re the only one who disappoints me, you’re just the closest one to me. everyone else has left.. I have not felt a zest for life since the pain radiating throughout my body has drained me of all energy and positive emotion. sadness, hopelessness, worhtlessness have begun to break my mind down, taking with it all rational thought and behavior. Although I wish to move on from this, Although I beg my God to deliver me from the evil coursing my veins, I fear I am to continue to suffer this for the rest of my natural life. I seek happiness, even if it happens to find me in the forgiving arms of the Angel of Death. I wait for his loving embrace, I long for the journey of peace I will undergo with him, and when I arrive to the palace of higher energy I will embrace becoming a piece of the grand night sky. Another speck in this Galaxy, another blip in this Universe; a lifetime in the hearts of those who noticed me.

I’ve started to notice that getting through the day is simpler than getting through these nights without you.

:’(